BunnyGirl40

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  • in reply to: New to dating a guy with ADHD – Need advice #101577

    BunnyGirl40
    Participant

    I just joined and I have been with an ADHD suffer for 7 years. Initally it was hyper-focus and he announced he was in love with me for years. I thought he was insane. And kind of ignored him. But he would call and we talked for hours. About his life and work and family. And he sent me flowers and kept saying he really wanted to be with me and was not joking or crazy. I thought I had finally found IT! And we were not kids. He was 30 I was 33. We were friends for 3 years before. Never knew him as anything but a funny, charming, great guy! We started dating. And I was showered with attention. But never too much. The right amount of can’t get enough. After 5 months we were still in love. 8 months and he couldn’t sleep without me.

    Then one day I brought Regular Coke instead of Diet. He flew off the handle. Yelling and telling me I was stupid. I LOST it! I am no shrinking violet. We were done. 2 hours later I get tearful apologies and he is wrong and texting and apologies. We went no contact for a month. I wanted nothing to do with him. He wouldn’t give up though. He was a product of child abuse and always have trouble expressing anger without yelling and name calling. But he has NEVER been physically violent. He loses his filter when he gets mad and says whatever comes to mind. To hurt the other and win. He was going to try because I meant everything to him. Still have that text to prove it. We had a long talk and I agreed to try again.

    Well, I wish I could say it never happened again. We would fight. I would walk away, go for a drive. And still be hurt when we saw each other. And 10 minutes later he was fine! It’s so annoying. Things were good for a while and we moved it together 2 years later. Like a lot of ADHD sufferers, he is cool and collected outside and a dramatic ogre at home. The wrong kind of bread will set him off. A year ago learned what ADHD does to Adults who were not treated after childhood diagnosis. He fit so many boxes: He dropped out of school at 15, No one cared. He never stayed employed long and no serious relationships. Everyone else is wrong and stupid. Women are too emotional, and no one can take a joke. After a fight he expels his venom and feels better. Energized and great. Ready to makeup and be in love. (Sometimes I want to hit him with the skillet). I realize now that he does not want to be that mean guy. He has gotten this far acting one way and leaving a wake of relationships. But every time we fight, he is the one apologizing. He wants to be nicer to me. He tries not to say those things but it just comes out. We can split anytime and things have gotten pretty heated. But he loves me and I love him. He needs professional guidance because the world does not make sense to him in some ways. Peoples reactions to him are soft and everyone gets offended too easily.

    He is up for surgery next year and once that is done, I am going to tackle telling him its time to get help. I have tried to be his therapy and that not fair to us. We need a professional. Your don’t put a band-aid on a broken arm. The Dr. sets it and you move on. I would suggest that you only attempt the relationship if: 1. They want to seek help, 2. You’re not afraid of some intense moments. They need to own their condition, but you can’t make it worse by expecting what they can’t give or punishing them for it.. But if there is a foundation of love and you can learn to respect boundaries it is possible. Even with treatment, you’re not going to get an easy breezy relationship.

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by  BunnyGirl40.
  • in reply to: ADD and denial? #101567

    BunnyGirl40
    Participant

    Hi,

    I am in a similar boat. But my partner was diagnosed as a kid. He told me before we got really serious. But I had no idea what ADHD was for adults. I thought it was a kids disorder that you grew out of! So when the hyper focus part of dating was over, and he started to drift I thought that if we spent more time together it would easy. He thought our work schedules were pulling us apart and so we moved in together. He wanted a separate room to sleep cause he is easily awakened and works graveyard. Made sense to me. We were sleeping apart anyway. But as soon as he had me his true colors came through. The clutter, piles of papers, losing everything, changing plans, pacing, fidgeting, non-committal to events, disorganization, and money issues (forgetting to pay things and overpaying things). Those I could live with. But the meanness, spontaneous anger over trivial things…that’s when I thought something else was going on. I remembered the talk about ADHD and his parents refusal to accept or treat it. This poor guy has been navigating life, paddling a dingy in a swell. I am trying to find a good time to talk to him about it, but he has other pressing health issues right now. We will have a discussion soon, but I am starting by training my brain to deal with his. Short of the rude comments and lack of intimacy because he cannot focus on me, we are great together. And after we fight, I get hugs and apologies. I know he doesn’t’ want to treat me bad and says it’s all his faults. It will get better. I assure him it takes two to tango , but he is the one asking to dance. :). I just need to find a good way to stop the burst of anger. The name calling and rude comments will the death of us. I just can’t accept to live with that forever.

    FYI-part of moving in was that we planned to marry. Now, we don’t have time for it. Weddings take to long to plan. I don’t have time to get the paperwork for a courthouse ceremony. We don’t have time. We don’t have time. One ADHD excuse after another. When he is calm, we should start thinking about dates…sigh…

    I could some help on how to approach it. I don’t want him to think I have been diagnosing and studying him behind his back. I wish I could find the perfect article to send that was short and concise. For him to find himself in it. No shame, no blame. Just HELP!

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