pce42

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  • pce42
    Participant

    Thank you all! I’m happy to say I’ve moved on and he’s solely a friend. I couldn’t imagine ever dating him again and can say I was blinded by love. He’s not a good life partner for me. I am seeing another guy right now who doesn’t have adhd – which is a totally different experience. I’m not sure this guy is the one either, but he doesn’t overwhelm me and I don’t fear for my sasafety. All big things.

  • in reply to: Need Guidance – Please – ADHD Barrier #101955

    pce42
    Participant

    Hi Kendall,

    Thanks so much for your insight. I really appreciate it! Yes – the positives of the spontaneous/adventurous side to him are what’s really hurting to let go of. I was quite fragile last night and had a tension headache all day. I obviously don’t take breaking connections off very well. I have stress in other areas of my life – like feeling stuck and unsure what I want to do career-wise – and I feel like that’s potentially spilling over into my love life right now. John is incredible – but the fact I’ve had these nagging pulls since LAST January really concerns me. I feel like if I’m truly listening to myself my body keeps giving me signs that MAYBE just MAYBE this isn’t the right life partner for me. What is awful is John and I connect in such an amazing way that I feel like he’s my best friend and would be an amazing companion – but I don’t think he’d be able to handle the stress of being a dad or I would be able to handle the stress of a lifetime of managing the ADHD. I think that’s why my soul has felt so conflicted for MONTHS – there’s so much good – so much good – but there’s also the two biggest stresses of dealing with ADHD consistently and the other downside is his immediate family (aside from his Dad) are unkind. I know the relationship shouldn’t revolve around them – but that’s kind of a nagging factor as well. I experienced family issues with others in the past and it terrified me to have that in my future.

    Again, thanks so much for your advice and for listening. Does anybody else here have thoughts? Thank you!


  • pce42
    Participant

    Zkak – Thank you so much for your response! My apologies for not responding sooner, typically, I get an email notice that someone has responded, but oddly, it didn’t come through or must have been re-routed. It sounds like you’re similar to me. I love companionship and it’s hard for me to give it up with someone I have a very strong connection with. Sadly, I don’t have the ability to reach out to his immediate family because they haven’t been very warm towards me and have a lot of issues going on there. His twin is getting married to one of the most toxic, manipulative, dysfunctional women I’ve ever met. Which, spills onto the family and is one reason I’m bailing. I’ve tried connecting with his mother, but she doesn’t reciprocate it, so I would feel uncomfortable reaching out now about the ADD…plus, it’s not really my place anymore. The crying and frustration you mention is what I have been going through for MONTHS.

    I know this can’t be healthy. I’m not my best self. I still love this man even though he just moved out. I fell in love with him and our adventures and all the good that he does. Simple things like making the bed every day because he knows I loved it, etc. BUT <—— I always put emphasis on that…I can’t love this disorder because it has turned me into a depressed, anxious, mess. I have to worry about taking him out in public (sounds ridiculous) because he goes on tangents about things nobody can follow. We were together a little over a year and ever since November/December I started to feel like I was having doubts, second-guessing, getting scared, and concerned with a lifetime of this disorder. I didn’t realize ADD/ADHD was a legit thing until I met him. It’s really just tore us apart. AND…HE CANT HELP IT. : ( I mean, he could, if he would try some meds, but he’s very anti-meds.

    John ended up moving out this weekend and we both sobbed for hours. It was so painful and I ended up having to turn away and leave the house because all we were doing was bawling and holding each other. You mentioned demons and holy shit, all I can say is that the demon is definitely ADHD in this case. He cancelled his appointment to learn about medication options and that concerned me. I want him to at least try all of his options, but I can’t tell him what to do or force it upon him. I’m having a hard time today functioning, as expected, and I do really miss him. We both had a seriously insane connection, and we still do, but, the ADHD was consuming me, making my anxiety flare-up like no other, and now I don’t have to deal with his dysfunctional family. I am however scared to ever consider dating again, because the passion we had even POST break-up was insane. We’ve always had a solid connection. My therapist said it best, “it sounds like you and he do just fine when it’s the two of you, but when others are involved, that’s when there are issues…” totally accurate.

    Whether we end up back together will depend if he gets treatment and if we give each other the space we both immensely need. We still love each other and I know I’m still hooked on him. He texted me last night telling me how much he missed me. I ended up getting very little sleep from the stress of this all. I find that the only way I am able to cope is if I’m constantly doing something. Otherwise, I find myself googling articles to try and figure out why I feel the way I do. I have ZERO interest in dating any other man honestly. If John and I don’t get back together, I will be remaining single for quite some time to heal.

    Thanks again so much for responding to me. It makes me not feel so alone.


  • pce42
    Participant

    Anybody?


  • pce42
    Participant

    ADHD folks – I’m reaching out to seek your advice. After breaking up with John I’m running into some serious emotional issues with him. Right after the break-up he acted like nothing was different and continued to comment and like on both my FaceBook and Instagram. He was actually messaging me quite a bit. I ended up removing him from FaceBook and Instagram do to this. I explained to him I thought it would be healthier to do so and he got very upset and feared this was the beginning of the end of a friendship with me. I told him I just needed space and it wasn’t healthy for ME to see what he’s up to or for HIM to see what I’m up to.

    He went home for the weekend for mothers day, when he got back, he wanted to talk. I told him I didn’t want to get upset right before bed but I’d talk to him. TWO hours later…I was consoling him as he broke down completely sobbing about how he’s confused what went wrong and that he thinks we are soulmates. He made several other comments like I’ll be a hard one to top, he feels broken and weak, he isn’t going to be mentally okay after this, and he doesn’t know what direction to take in life.

    I on the other hand, was able to contain MOST of my tears because I knew if I fell apart like he was it would make everything that much worse. I was very level headed and told him he had a lot to look forward to and that it just didn’t work out. He wanted to know if there was hope of getting back together in the future. The more time I have away from him the more I realize there is not, so I told him we are broke up for a reason.

    He also mentioned a lot of stressors when he was back home this weekend with family so I think that’s part of it too. I ended up deactivating my FaceBook account since I removed around 30 mutual connections we had. It’s more difficult for me to have people on my social media who I don’t interact with who are connected to him. I don’t want to know through the what he’s doing, etc. it doesn’t mean I don’t like those people, it means we didn’t have that good enough of a relationship for me to be like well, I think I’ll really miss them on my feed. I told him to never settle and not to ever be with anyone who put him down (he told me I’m the only person hes ever been with whose been as loving, caring, and kind to him and who hasn’t called him names or put him down…)

    SO. He apologized for burdening me, and after two hours of this I said I needed to get some rest and he did too. I’ve been really trying to be there for him and console him and even told him maybe that’s not a good idea, he insists my presence is helpful for him. He’s definitely making it much harder for both of us. I just worry about him. He is planning on being out of the house within the next 3 weeks. I messaged him this weekend telling him if he couldn’t handle staying in the house, he should move out this week. He’s acting like we aren’t split up. He also called me babe last night.

    My question for you is (those with ADHD/ADD OR those who’ve been with someone with ADHD/ADD)…is this typical emotional behavior? I mean, he’s not handling this well at all, which I don’t expect him to. I on the other hand have been circling for 6 months so it’s not as devastating to me at the moment. I explained his ADD heightened my anxiety and that was another reason I wanted to break-up. He said he’s really trying and that he’s been going to therapy. (which he has…) but, at this point, I feel like I’m exhausted 24/7. I’ve been getting abdominal pain, sleep has been dull, I’m just trying to get through the days lately and am constantly consumed with this relationship right now.

    Thoughts/suggestions? Thanks all!


  • pce42
    Participant

    Hi Hayes,

    Thanks for your note. It’s been an exhausting 24 hours. With him living with me still and looking for a place online. He has been texting/messaging me, and now his cousin, has been sending me messages about how he thinks the two of us are meant to be and how happy John is with me, etc. he said it seems like we have a great thing going and that we should be able to resolve this.

    I can honestly say that my head is so messed up right now. Conflicted, confused, being 100% an empath, I’m so exhausted. I cried all night and am barely functioning at work. Fortunately, my job is not super demanding and I don’t have to deal with a lot of people face-to-face today, so my puffy eyes are going unnoticed.

    He told me his therapist said he’s had 7 life changing events in the last 6 months which involve a few moves, a few jobs, and now a break up and another move. I really wish I could make this work because he’s so loyal and I know we could be comfortable together, BUT, I can’t seem to shake my depression/anxiety and curiosity that there has to be something more. I keep getting upset at myself that I SHOULD be happy with him and WHY can’t I give myself 100% to him. It’s hard but I think I’m just seriously drained. This is not an easy breakup. I’ve never been in this kind of situation before. Sucks being an empath for sure!


  • pce42
    Participant

    I’m checking in to let you guys know how things turned out. John did go see a doctor about two weeks ago, and they scheduled him to go back at the end of this month and again in June. I saw a new therapist recently and what she relayed back to me was that it sounded like based on how I was talking, we had several incompatibilities. She mentioned safety, family issues, and the ADD didn’t seem like good matches for me. I explained how for months I’ve felt foggy, depressed, and anxious. That I want to NOT feel this way and I questioned if my past with a “broken” family had anything to do with this. She said I’m extremely self reflective and didn’t see any warning signs that I was afraid of commitment, etc. SO. I broke up with him yesterday. I realized going to see a therapist to try and find answers now for about a 5th time, is a sign in and of itself. He was devastated but told me he understood I haven’t been myself for a long time and he’s been trying. I think he knew it was coming. We both kinda did, we just shoved it under the rug and hoped we could get through it.

    I’ve honestly been pushing my intuition away because I think if this was a healthy match for me for a lifelong partner, I wouldn’t be questioning it EVERY SINGLE DAY for MONTHS on end. I’ve been ruminating for about 6 months now and wanted it to work SO bad, but neglected how I was feeling/what I was turning into. I’ve been stressed, bloated, anxious, sad, and super emotional. We love each other, we are amicable, but, it most certainly sucks when you care about someone so much and just can’t seem to shake off the “I should be happy feelings…” It’s hard for me to take him in certain social settings because his ADD kicks in full blast and he won’t stop talking. I feel his parents have failed him by not getting the treatment he very much has needed in his life. He would have benefited immensely from talk therapy I believe.

    He told me I’ve been the only woman whose cared so much about him. That hurts to hear, and I’ve done nothing but tried to be super patient, understanding, and kind. I’m thankful I could help him in the direction of treatment, he really is a good person, which is why breaking up has been a huge drag and this really sucks. I told him the sooner he moved out, the better, because it would be too tough otherwise. I’m just in a fog right now, but I’m sure it’ll get better with time. He’s been texting me that it doesn’t seem right and that he can’t stop thinking about me. BUT, that’s not going to make either one of us get better.

    Thanks for all of your support here, I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.


  • pce42
    Participant

    I managed to post this before finishing and I couldn’t figure out how to delete, ha!

    Congratulations on celebrating 25 years, wow! I think he shuts down from the shame of it too, and it sounds like its something he’s been used to his entire life. I was in a dreary mood over the weekend, and it wore off on him and he was easily ticked off by anything and everything that could go wrong. Our emotions tend to spill over on one another.
    I think therapeutic treatment would be great, I just really want him to get some help. It’ll help him as a person. The family struggles we are dealing with are uncomfortable and strange. The mom acts like I don’t exist and the brother and his future sister in law go out of their way to be rude. There are some serious issues there. I’m not sure I want to marry into something like that. I already can’t stand being around them with how they’ve been.

    I absolutely agree with taking care of myself. I’ve been trying to do that more. It’s not always easy because my mood has been so shifty lately, but I also was just diagnozed anemic, so that could be why I’m so tired on top of everything else, ha!

    Thanks again and have a lovely week!


  • pce42
    Participant

    Hi Hayes,

    Thanks for sharing your story with me! We do love each other and I have been patient, but we are also running into dysfunction from his family. It’s wearing me down mentally. I appreciate your perspective because it sounds similar to Johns.


  • pce42
    Participant

    Hi Keypher,

    His appointment yesterday resulted in scheduled an actual appointment for May. The walk-in clinic evidently puts priority with those who have more serious concerns, which I totally understand.

    Wow, gosh, that’s a hard question for me to answer about how I chose to act if I wasn’t waiting for John. I’m not quite sure. Honestly, I’m in an analysis paralysis with some things. We talked about kids last night and I explained I was very ambivalent and not ready for that commitment. I asked what his thoughts were and wanted to make sure I wasn’t holding him back. He told me he didn’t think he’d make a good dad because he’s forgetful. I’m not sure why he said that when he was so hell bent on having a kid before. I’m just a bit concerned he’s settling because he doesn’t want to lose me, so whatever I say, he’ll go with. I asked him if that’s really how he felt and he said it was.

    Things are going okay. I’m actually doing my first singing gig soon and when I tried to have a serious conversation about how practice went, he kept chimming in with random jokes about things. I’m starting to notice these things more. I told him I was trying to be serious about the situation because I was nervous and he was like, okay, I gotta be serious, then tried to play it off and ask me more serious questions. I just get easily frustrated with some of the things. I mentioned to him today that it’s now April 13th and he still hasn’t paid me for his half of the mortgage/bills, he said he forgot and would pay me tonight. I told him to be respectful moving forward and pay me on time or at least give me notice when he will pay me since it wouldn’t work this way with a landlord. Plus, I think I’m quite affordable to live with. I handle all of the home bills and he gives me a flat rate, which is cheaper than any other place he’s lived at before…

    Anywhose, please feel free to respond. Thanks!


  • pce42
    Participant

    Just an update. He went to the walk-in clinic yesterday and needs to go back today. Turns out, they told him the people accepting his insurance were busy with other clients. Since they closed an hour later, he was unable to get squeezed in. Again, this is a walk-in clinic. They promised him he’d be seen today since they don’t make people come in more than twice…

    Will follow-up.


  • pce42
    Participant

    Oh my goodness, 10-12 month referral wait, that’s ridiculous! : ( Things must be much different in England! It sounds like we are definitely similar on some of these issues. My self diagnosed anxiety and depression has just skyrocketed, and it’s so frustrating (the word that constantly comes to mind for you too!) If your boyfriend is unwilling, I find that to be a serious issue. John has been slowing down more. I say this right now, but on his last day of work yesterday, he locked himself out of his car! He was so frazzled making sure he got everything out of the office for some reason he put his keys in the ignition and locked the door. I had to drive 30 minutes to give him the spare, but he offered to buy dinner, so I looked at it as a win-win. He saved money by me having a spare and not having to call a locksmith, and we both got dinner and didn’t have to cook out of it, ha! I’m sorry to hear about the family issues. THEY ARE THE WORST. I really hate conflict and one of my top enneagram categories has me listed as a harmonizer. Dealing with his brother, his brother’s fiance, and his mother are frustrating aspects of the relationship. I don’t have to see them necessarily, but it’s disappointing the mom has just completely ignored me. She has made comments passively in front of me about not seeing her son very often, etc. I have never once told John he couldn’t go visit, I actually encourage him, so I don’t know what’s going on. I just don’t like to feel like I”m being blamed inadvertently.

    As far as kids, it’s not my place to say what you do or don’t do, but if he’s right now unwilling to try to make any positive changes despite your constant efforts to help him like you described, I’d say definitely hold off for now! Adding kids into the mix will just make things that much more exhausting. In fact, last night I mentioned to John how exhausted so many parents are and having kids IS SO EXPENSIVE. Sure they are an absolute joy, but you also have to sacrifice a lot. I know for a fact I’m not ready for that kind of jump. I’m still trying to figure out if I want to stay in my current role or move to another city and start somewhere new. I’m 28, and everyone around me seems to be engaged, married, or having children. That’s normal of course, but I certainly am not ready for that kind of jump given the issues I’m facing right now. I’ll remind you, like I try to remind myself, when you marry the man, you marry into the family. You can’t escape that. Certainly another reason I’m holding back.

    John and I too have SO much in common which is why it makes things difficult. I’ve dated some guys that were total duds that we didn’t have anything in common, and now knowing him, he’s always down for an adventure. BUT like you said too, your own health is being compromised. I know mine is too. He has the best intentions and is not trying to cause me harm, but mentally, I’m exhausted trying to figure out all the answers, which I don’t have them. I’ve been going through this since about November of 2017 now. It’s hard. It’s frustrating. It’s even more frustrating when you care and feel so much.

    Feel free to write back if you’d like, I wish you all the best in your relationship! <3

    • This reply was modified 1 year ago by  pce42.

  • pce42
    Participant

    Wow, I feel like I have been more concerned about improving myself since I’ve fell into an anxious depression. It’s bizarre because he’s not a toxic person and we communicate so well when it’s just us two. It’s so strange! It almost makes me feel like I’m crazy for considering getting back together with him because we do have fun on our adventures. The spontaneous side of him is such a blast! We love exploring new places and I’ve never had that with a partner before.

    I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriages and that you exist together. The difference between John and Tim is that John budgets and is SUPER cheap when it comes to going out. He’s a poor tipper and I’ve been incredibly embarrassed by it. I personally tip 20% since I come from a family of servers and he’s told me I over tip even if the service wasn’t excellent. He is the bare minimum. Which, I suppose it’s good to be frugal since my ex was an over spender. HOWEVER. The back an forth and up and down is exactly what I’ve been living with for a year now. I feel isolated and embarrassed to go out because he steers people away or they just check-out. My love for him continues to be incredibly strong, and I’ve never felt a love like this, but I also can’t live an isolated life of questioning whether or not I can bring my significant other to certain social things. : ( He told me he thinks therapy will help him. I’m not so sure it will. : (

    The sulkiness is another issue I’ve noticed in John. He will get VERY down, and I know that’s from a lifetime of not meeting other people’s expectations. I’m talking putting himself down and not feeling like where he should be in life. Granted, I’ve been feeling that way too with not feeling like I’m where I want to be, but he gets incredibly self-loathing and then gets upset that he can’t “fix me” and make me happy. The not saying please and thank you is something I’ve noticed in John too! I’ve had to chime in when a sever refills his water and say THANK YOU! It’s so awkward because I’m an extremely polite person, so I’m very gracious when it comes to simple acts. I’d love to chat more with you even if it’s through this means or if you’d like to email. I’m not sure if there is a personal message option in this site.

    I’ve exhausted myself learning about ADD/ADHD.


  • pce42
    Participant

    Thank you SO much for your response! I wasn’t sure if anyone was going to revisit this post, ha! Wow, 25 years is a long time and I appreciate you being blunt. I think learning others stories of being in a relationship with someone with ADHD/ADD who can relate to the things I’m describing can really help me feel like the decision I’m making is the correct one. John still lives with me and when we broke up at the beginning of May I told him he had until June 1st. That’s this Friday, and he still has not found an apartment or started packing. I can honestly say this has been the most emotionally exhausting last month of my life. I didn’t get to bed until about 3 AM last night because we talked. Literally, every night involves talking about the relationship between us two and the emotions and our connection we share make it that much harder to end the relationship. We have not gotten back together but I am a wreck. I’m now circling back with whether or not I should get back with him. He’s asked me if there is a way we can work things out. I explained his family won’t change and although he’s going to see a therapist, I don’t think I can handle the ADD for life because it spikes my anxiety.

    My biggest concern is how much I miss him and how we truly do connect well, but, my health is suffering. I feel lost and foggy and depressed and right now, it’s because we still live together and spend time together and there isn’t any space. I told him it’s important for us to have space and that’s the only viable solution I have right now. He panics about this and says he doesn’t know what he’s going to do with his life, I’ve set an extremely high bar because nobody’s ever cared for him like I have, etc. I can honestly say that I do love John, but, I’m concerned at having him as a life partner due to the severity of his ADD. He does not want to be medicated for it either, which is his choice.

    Can you tell me if when you married your husband his ADHD symptoms were prominent or if they got worse over time or just a little bit more about what you’ve experienced in your relationship? John is 30, I am 28.

    Thank you for responding!


  • pce42
    Participant

    Thanks for your note Casper! I do chat with him about these issues, but he often withdraws. I’m very gentle with it, but he’s VERY hard on himself. Sometimes when I bring things up he goes into self-loathing behaviors and starts putting himself down…BAD. Something like me simply saying, John, you need to double-check that the oven is off, will send him into an episode of him not being able to do ANYTHING right. It’s actually frustrating to me because I am being so gentle with him, I promise you that. I recently asked him how others have perceived his ADD tendencies and he’s said he’s had exes tell him he needs to shut the f*ck up, etc….I don’t think that gets a person anywhere and I’ve NEVER said anything like that to him.

    I’m just finding it hard trying to manage keeping my own mental health stable while trying to bring up issues to him, manage them, and also not get to a point of resentment. It’s very very tough. I definitely have noticed my own mental health has suffered quite a bit. I’m trying to get better but it has been a very rough several months. I tend to feel A LOT so I’m also very very hard on myself.

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