kbj2017

My Forum Comments

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)
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  • in reply to: Bizarre Fixations Interrupting Sleep #104816

    kbj2017
    Participant

    I wouldn’t call it hyperfocus per se, but I’ve been there, numerous times. I just put it simply as ADHD being a 24/7 disorder. Just because we’re sleeping, doesn’t mean we don’t still have ADHD.
    ADHD impacts every aspect of our lives, including sleep. One night you may feel as if you got the most peaceful sleep you’ve ever had (because you did). Another night may be full of tossing and turning to the point where you & the covers end up on the floor when you wake up (I’m joking, but this did happen to me once when I was younger lol).
    Anyway, our brains crave arousal & stimulation like an addiction. So anything that sparks that arousal is going to get us going, and it’s HARD to control.
    We all have our own triggers that our ADHD is susceptible to, because they’re stimulating & exciting. Like for me, it’s music. I’m always up for a good song, plus my phone is LOADED with music. At night, I could either be up for a long time just listening to music, or my brain could have me dancing to it in my dreams while I’m asleep, lol. So I have to avoid listening to any of my music before I go to bed (if I have a long day waiting or me the next day), because I have to get to sleep early that night.
    Our ADHD brains are going 1000 miles a minute most of the time, even while the situation may not call for it (like sleeping). This is GREAT during the day, as we have our daily lives to attend to all day, and we have multiple things going on at once. We’re like machines then, but our brains can’t wind down when we want them to. I equate it to getting a child to go to sleep when they want to stay up all night. It’s annoying on the nights when you know you both have to get up early in the morning, but on nights where neither of you have to wake up early the next morning for any reason, it’s not a problem, because you can afford to sleep in. If that makes sense.

    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Careers #104785

    kbj2017
    Participant

    Yeah that’ll happen. Sure it’s cute and kinda funny while we’re little & we don’t fully understand the significance of it, but once we’re old enough to grasp it, IT’S THE MOST FRIGHTENING CONCEPT ON THE PLANET! Trust me, I’m 19 years old going through it in college right now. It’s been very difficult making the adjustments, especially with ADHD. However, I really enjoy going to my classes (most days, not all) and learning, not only during lectures, but also about myself.
    Like you, I also want to become a Psychiatrist so I can help others with ADHD. I really can see myself doing that in the future when I take time to sit back & let my mind wander off. IT TOOK A LOT OF MEDITATION PRACTICE TO GET THERE.

    Of course you can get a good job without going to college. It may be tougher, but it’s possible. Anyway, I’m getting off topic. My point is, I was just as worried & anxious about my future 2 years ago as you are now. What I can tell you is this: Relax, you’ll be fine. We’re not even 20 years old yet lol. You don’t have to figure everything out right now (I’m still learning to accept this advice myself). Just take it one day at a time, and whatever responsibilities you have (old & new) just roll with them.

    I know it feels as if the people closest to you are pushing for you to go to school, because they ARE. Hell, my dad DESPERATELY wants me to stay in school to take advantage of what he didn’t get the chance to growing up. He wanted to be a lawyer in school but once I came along, he couldn’t do that, so I understand where he’s coming from. However, I’m not choosing to stay in school for him anymore (I did last year & I flunked that year), I’m doing it for me now & I’m doing A LOT better. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes every now and then on your journey (THIS TOO IS TOUGH FOR ME TO ACCEPT).

    I guess my overall point in saying this is to tell you to make these big decisions based on what you want for yourself, and not what other people want for you. No matter how much they may mean to you, the only person that truly matters to you is YOU. Maybe you do want to stay at that restaurant & see if you can move up the ranks, maybe manage it at some point (Managers make a decent living, though it take a while to get there, you can do it!). Or you want to go to college & take advantage of that scholarship (I did) to get your education & position yourself for a career in Psychiatry (you can do that too!) it’s the journey I’m on btw lol. Whatever you choose, you’re in a good position to do either one. Just make sure it’s you making the choice & not anyone else. Trust me, the fact that you’re as anxious about your future, just means you care about it enough to not end up doing something you DON’T want to do for the rest of your life.

    Hopefully this helps,
    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Feeling resentful about his ADHD #104122

    kbj2017
    Participant

    It’s no problem at all.

    That being said, I need some help. I’m very discombobulated right now to where I am mentally paralyzed. I had a conversation with my English instructor yesterday, and it went well. However, I can only slightly remember certain pieces of it that were like gems, because they got me asking questions as if I am a small and curious child. I can’t remember them now, because they shook my core perspective on a few things: failure, relationships, and perfectionism. These are 3 concepts that I’ve been struggling with and seeking clarity on for years now. I’ve known that these were internal issues I have, but I couldn’t understand them until yesterday, and now due to my ADHD memory, I’ve lost that understanding.

    1) Failure:
    I’ve always told myself that I must not fail at whatever I’m doing, because if I do fail then that means I’ve lost an opportunity and I’ve disappointed myself and my closest loved ones. I have a very deep-seated fear of failure (and abandonment, but that is another story) that cripples and paralyzes me at the worst times. Along with my ADHD, It keeps me from going after what I want b/c I’m always looking for issues that I might run into so it might not work. The reason why is because ever since 1st grade up until 9th grade, I was able to excel in school on my intelligence alone with no problem, It all came so easy to me. I had no clue how to handle failure or adversity whatsoever, because I started out being “successful” and achievement-oriented. Success on an academic level is all I’ve ever known since I was 6 years old.
    2) Relationships:
    I’ve never thought too much about relationships, because I’m too focused on myself most of the time (I know this is selfish, but I’m being completely transparent). Plus the relationships I do have with my family are deep enough to where I don’t have to worry about losing them, which is why I take them for granted. Although, I also care too much about their opinions and worry excessively about disappointing them. In doing so, I never was able to form my own identity, since I was too concerned with making the people around me happy. I grew up being rather quiet and shy (I still am) so I didn’t have to do much for my parents’ attention (well my mom’s at least), then I also had them to go to with any issues that I had.
    3) Perfectionism:
    This is the worst of the 3, because I’ve learned it and it’s been ingrained in me since I was a toddler. I understand that no one/nothing can ever be perfect, but we all strive to be as close to it as we can. However, there is a difference between this, and LITERALLY SEEKING and obsessing over being perfect. I achieved a lot as a kid, won many athletic and academic awards, I didn’t understand it at the time but looking back on it, I feel as if I was set up to fail in some way. Because I got so much recognition for my gifts and talents as a kid, I developed an unrealistic standard of perfection in concert with a sense of entitlement that I understand is HORRIBLE for my view on how to be successful in life.
    BASICALLY, I’m admitting that I learned from a very young age the idea that achievement and success comes easy, without having to work much for it. I know this isn’t right at all, but it’s all I have ever known. It has to be changed, but with what idea? What am I missing? I didn’t do well in college my first year, I flunked it. But I only became more doubtful of myself from that. I don’t know what to take from the failures I’ve had up to this point

    This is INSANELY long I know, but I really would like to hear from others. What lessons do we take from the failures that we have? And how do we mature from them? Anything is appreciated.

    Thanks,
    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Feeling resentful about his ADHD #104018

    kbj2017
    Participant

    The last few days have been wonderful for me. I was feeling burnt out last week since this semester has been BRUTAL. I was able to take the weekend to relax and recharge my batteries. I binged watched one of my favorite shows as a kid, and my mom made banana pudding!
    I’m saying this for 2 reasons:
    1) To give you a jolt of positivity that you need right now.
    2) To remind you that it’s important to appreciate the small things in the midst of negativity.
    I don’t see you losing resolve which is good, but I do see you becoming more resentful by the day, which is fine. However, it’s critical that you not treat this process as a means to an end. If that is the case (IDK), then you’ll never feel satisfied deep inside, because you’re looking for a “eureka moment” where he realizes how he needs to change and actually begins working to change it.
    That’s not how it works.
    It’s CRITICAL for him to recognize where he’s falling short, don’t get me wrong, because this is a two-way street. Remember that slap in the face that we talked about? It applies here. You may have to change it up a bit. Or maybe voice these feelings to him.

    Hopefully this helps, we’re all here for you.
    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Could this be ADHD? #103996

    kbj2017
    Participant

    Hey, I’m Kendall, nice to meet you!

    This could absolutely be ADHD. I’m speaking as a person with ADHD, a young 19 year old, but a person with ADHD nonetheless.
    Everything you mentioned could be a manifestation of ADHD. You’ll have to take him to get diagnosed to be sure, whether he likes it or not.
    The overarching quickness to anger is the lack of emotional regulation/immaturity that comes with ADHD. Combined with the high sensitivity to external things such as loud noise from the kids. This means overall he’s HIGHLY sensitive to other people’s feelings.
    Let me explain this one: I know it doesn’t seem like he cares about his family’s feelings from what you’ve mentioned. However, let me assure you he does, or he’s CAPABLE of it. ADHD brings with it a level of empathy, compassion & understanding that someone WITHOUT ADHD cannot match.
    He cannot do more than one EXTENSIVE task at once (asking us to hold a conversation with you, while working on something is VERY DIFFICULT) So when he says he can’t focus, he just may be right.
    Sitting still in the movies (while I can do that for the most part) is due to ADHD’s hyperactivity. If I sit still however, I get immersed in whatever I’m watching (which takes away my attention). This is a trade-off as to why we can’t do more than 2 things at once (we can’t focus enough on both).

    This is as much as I can give for now since I’m finishing up a project, but I’ll probably be here tomorrow.

    Let me know if you have anymore questions, I’ll be happy to help.
    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Feeling frustrated and discouraged #103754

    kbj2017
    Participant

    Hey @jwosh01, I’m Kendall, nice to meet you!

    I can’t relate from life experience, but yes I have had those same feelings. The reality of uncertainty and internal instability is absolutely terrifying for me. It still is because I’m 19 years old on my own in college and have no concrete idea where to begin on my career path. It sends me into a state of paralysis sometimes because I’m overwhelmed by all the possibilities, along with the crippling fear of failure and disappointment. It feels suffocating because I always have assignments to do for my classes (which is fine), but I have trouble prioritizing them and end up doing everything at once most times.

    This has gotten me in trouble, as I failed my first two semesters in school. I’m doing a lot better now grades wise, but I still have doubts as if I’m not doing all the right things to set myself up for my future career (I want to go into Psychology).

    I will say this, while I am stifled/hindered by these fears, doubts, and insecurities, I take solace and refuge in the fact that while uncertainty is intimidating on the surface, it’s also liberating. I have control of my own destiny but only because I haven’t got started yet lol I’m still young. However, you also now have control of your own destiny. I’m sure you and your family knows you put everything you had into the job you had, and you’ll do the same with the job you get in the future. You can do anything, as long as you and your family knows that you won’t stop working to make sure that you all live the best lives you can. Yes, it’s scary, but what I would imagine is even scarier, is seeing your children feel hurt, sad, and disappointed themselves because their father feels the exact same way about his situation.

    I would imagine your kids only want to see you happy, and enjoying your life going after what you want (career-wise and in general). It’ll be challenging for you yes, but don’t let your fears stop you from working on picking yourself back up. You have 4 children to look after & take care of, but you also have 4 children who believe in you as their father as well. Let your 4 children be motivators for you to outweigh your fears and keep working toward finding a new job or career. Usually, as one door closes, another one opens. You’ll find what you’re looking for. Just keep going.

    Hopefully this helps,
    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: behavior regression #103728

    kbj2017
    Participant

    I don’t mind helping you out.

    Speaking as A 19 year-old kid with ADHD:

    Anxiety is a possibility, but when ADHD is added to it, these two are not mutually exclusive usually. When dealing with us (kids especially), anxiety and ADHD go hand-in-hand, because anxiety is normally a linked result of ADHD.

    Because of how our brains are wired, kids with ADHD are normally a few years behind other kids in terms of their mental & emotional development. Unfortunately, because we are often oblivious to how our behavior impacts ourselves & others, we fail to fully grasp when something we do is inappropriate for the situation.
    It’s the equivalent to touching a hot stove & getting burned for the first time. Sure it hurt, but until we understand WHY and WHEN to NOT touch a hot stove, we’ll do it again out of ignorance because we can’t recall the first time we did it.
    So I would say that the immaturity (and regression) your kid is displaying is completely normal because he has ADHD.

    Hopefully this helps,
    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Acting out and feeling bad #103427

    kbj2017
    Participant

    Very much can relate to you. It’s demoralizing when I get so worked up that I just shut down after making a mistake. I don’t act it out, but it shows in my facial expressions and body language. I’ve had moments with my parents where I felt like nothing because I had messed up so bad. It still happens now & I’m 19, but I’m learning to manage & talk through my emotions, instead of letting them take control.

    It’s not easy dealing with ADHD, and it can seem as though, to others, that the negative moments that we have are a reflection of who we truly are. Why? Because ADHD affects the exact traits that deal with behavior regulation. Self-control, impulsivity, hypersensitivity, unawareness in social situations, all of these when presented to others contributes to low self-esteem (for me at least).

    So no you aren’t alone in your struggle, I’m here with you also.
    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Handling emotions #102532

    kbj2017
    Participant

    Hey @clauj, I’m Kendall, Nice to meet you!

    While I’m not in a relationship, I do have ADHD & I also struggle with my emotions. I don’t think it’s really feeling our emotions that’s the issue. Rather, I think it’s just the way we express them that can be an issue for other people. I feel my emotions VERY DEEPLY, but I don’t show it often. I tend to express them through drawing, or listening to music, just to keep from projecting my emotions onto other people.

    However, to your point, it is VERY difficult for us to control our emotions in the moments when we’re feeling them. Sometimes, we will have a moment where we fly off the handle because we’re feeling our emotions so intensely, & we need an outlet to express them. While your boyfriend may be patient with you & understand from knowing you that you may be a bit dramatic at times, you don’t want to keep projecting your emotions onto him. My suggestion would be for you to find a personal outlet to express your emotions & let them out. Maybe through keeping a journal, drawing, or exercising. Anything that can help you manage your emotions, instead of unleashing them on your boyfriend.

    Hopefully this helps,
    Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Feeling resentful about his ADHD #102516

    kbj2017
    Participant

    Thank you for the compliment. And no problem giving you encouragement.

    Life is too short for any of us to feel negative over a long period of time. We all should be able to go forth with as much of a positive attitude as we can, because we can become the best versions of ourselves & truly enjoy life only when we give ourselves the freedom & permission to do so. Once we have that perspective, it’s a lot easier to move forward & we not only feel better about ourselves, but we can also extend that energy towards others. All in an effort to make sure we enjoy life’s experiences & everything that it has to offer us.

    That being said however, I have nowhere near the experience to fully understand how this applies to me personally. Being in college at 19 with ADHD, it hasn’t been easy. I feel lost & uncertain most times because I don’t know if I’m doing the right things to get the most out of being in college. Such as making connections & setting myself up to live on my own, have my career, etc. I know what I want to do for my future, but I just don’t know if I’m doing the right things to make it happen (outside of my grades being good of course).

    IDK maybe I’m thinking too much on it. I just want to be able to graduate from college & have something going for myself for my career & future, or have no regrets.

  • in reply to: Feeling resentful about his ADHD #102514

    kbj2017
    Participant

    Hey @c1957, I’m Kendall. Nice to meet you.

    I am VERY sorry that you’re not feeling well in your relationship. It hurt me to read your post because I HAVE ADHD myself, and I understand that we’re difficult to deal with on a daily basis. I’m not in a relationship, but I do understand my effect on other people at times. My family had a tough time getting through to me because I space out or shut down so much. It got to the point where my family was pretty much yelling at me and pulling their hair out to get their point across. It was VERY VERY frustrating and disappointing for myself and for them.

    I’m 19 & in college now and I just wanted all of us to be at peace while I’m away from home. That requires me to work on the many issues that my ADHD causes me. Whether it’s not communicating/socializing with people, blurting something out inappropriately, or just not listening to anyone, etc. These things can DESTROY relationships, and almost damaged mine with my family. I have to work on the challenges that ADHD brings me so I won’t have to rely on other people to do it for me. Then, I’ll hopefully find a fulfilling relationship someday where my ADHD is as small of an issue as it can be for both of us. It’s a challenge that I take on every single day, because I understand that the lives of the people who I’ll meet in the future will be MUCH more challenging for them, with me & my ADHD to deal with. So I have to make sure that I’m improving myself every single day so that A) I can flourish & live on my own and B) Other people aren’t as burdened with me as they would be.

    It sounds to me like your husband needs to really hear your grievances & take on the responsibility of his ADHD himself, so that the burden doesn’t fall squarely on your shoulders.

    Hopefully this helps,
    Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Daydreaming #102346

    kbj2017
    Participant

    I can!!

    What’s up, I’m Kendall. I’ve been there (I’m still in the same position in college) in high school. Not that far removed from it though since I graduated about a year and a half ago. But yeah I’m bored in one of my classes too. My Biology Lab just drags on & I’m lost with the material sometimes (IT’S 3 HOURS LONG!!)
    But it’ll be worth it once I get my degree though!
    I’m sure it’ll get better for you once you get medically diagnosed with ADHD. Then, you can get medication that’ll help you focus. Until then, maybe you can make some adjustments. Possibly moving towards the front of class so you can be more engaged with your teachers. Hopefully, they’ll let you record your class sessions as a precaution for you drifting off. That way, you can go back and catch what you missed.

    Hopefully this helps,
    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Feeling resentful about his ADHD #102166

    kbj2017
    Participant

    @ADHDSpouse123
    Thanks so much for your encouragement! I really appreciate it! ADHD is an uphill battle for me every single day (I just started a new anxiety medication today (anxiety is a side effect of my Vyvanse)…and I just feel completely detached from EVERYTHING. Almost apathetic. AND I MISSED CLASS AGAIN). This isn’t good! I have to stop getting in my own way so much but I can’t help it. It seems like no matter how much better I’m doing, I find a way to mess it up!!
    WOW THIS IS A LOT OF MOOD SWINGS!
    I’m sorry if this is similar to the ’50-50 switch’ that you refer to with your SO from positive to negative. Emotional maturity isn’t exactly my strongest attribute (I’m having a hard time maintaining my emotions as I’m typing this). And I’m INCREDIBLY hard on myself for any flaws or mistakes I make (including my ADHD). I can tell myself I’ll be fine (which I probably will due to my ADHD) but I can’t help but feel the EXTREME disappointment coming from myself & my family; It’s overwhelming.
    My mom even said she’d kick me out if I missed class again. I’m actually scared because I don’t know what’s going to happen here. But I’ll have to accept it whatever it is. The pressure & challenge of the responsibility of being an adult LET ALONE an adult with ADHD every day just feels so heavy on me!

    But, it’s GREAT & I’m happy that those strategies are working for you! Keep it up!
    (Trust me I’m being sincere here)

    I can live with ADHD, but how come whenever I feel like I’m starting to get a handle on it (I haven’t missed a single class in the last month), I slip up or make a stupid mistake? I thought these bad habits were past me but I guess they’ll never go away. These habits, along with my emotions & self-esteem are going to keep being my undoing in my life.

    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Does my ADHD give me positive traits too? #102090

    kbj2017
    Participant

    Hey, I’m Kendall. Didn’t think I’d come across someone with as similar of a situation as myself. I also am in college, only I’m a 19 year old male with ADHD. LOL. Nice to meet you.
    First off, yes those of us with ADHD are HIGHLY spontaneous & creative in our own ways as individuals. Like for example, I REALLY LOVE TO DRAW! I find that I enjoy expressing myself through drawings, as it helps me cope with my ADHD. Any form of art such, as music/painting/drawing etc. is a way of not only expression for us, but also an outlet for the ENDLESS energy that we have.
    In terms of the spontaneity, I don’t plan where I’m going sometimes. I can find myself at McDonald’s after class one day, while I had NO intention of going there originally. LOL. It’s fun for me though because it’s TOTALLY random & I enjoy having that freedom (outside of school of course).
    You have to find what you’re interested in/what you enjoy doing. Normally, the things you enjoy come natural to you (meaning you don’t have to think about them) you just do them & let your mind go free. cREATIVITY comes from your imagination (as cliche & child-like as this sounds LOL).
    A way for you to find the creativity that you’re looking for: Let go. Focus on being in the moment, let your mind go free & do whatever you feel like doing. Whether it’s listening to music, meeting someone new, drawing, eating. WHATEVER IT IS. It can be anything! That’s the beauty of it! WOW, READING THIS BACK, IT SOUNDS LIKE AN ARTICLE!
    ADHD DEFINITELY has its positives. I just think you’re trying too hard to find them.
    Don’t worry, you’ll find them though.

    I hope this helps,
    -Kendall Boults Jr.

  • in reply to: Don't know if I can do this anymore #101976

    kbj2017
    Participant

    Hey @cursedquitena, I’m Kendall. I don’t mind attempting to help you out a bit.
    I am very sorry that you’re dealing with so much in your life right now. Although I can’t begin to relate to most of it (as I am only 19 years old with no relationship or children), I CAN empathize with all of you as far as ADHD. I’ve been dealing with it since I was 11, and it is far from easy. My family has a hard time dealing with the mistakes & screw-ups I have sometimes, & it kills me that this is a reality.

    SPEAKING AS SOMEONE WITH ADHD…
    We can’t control our ADHD in the sense of just getting rid of it completely to make ourselves & our loved ones happy (WE WISH WE COULD). I understand that we can be MASSIVE HEADACHES to deal with sometimes and I’m sorry for that, I truly am. But all that we can do is work to try to minimize the negatives & maximize the positives of our ADHD every single day. As long as he’s working on managing his ADHD & committed to working on it every single day, no matter the issues, I believe that’s all you can ask for.
    **One thing I did catch in your post was when you stated that you both would occasionally fight about certain mishaps he would have due to his ADHD. This isn’t good, because it plants the seeds for resentment & a parent-child dynamic to develop within the relationship (which is where you are now, literally & figuratively). While arguing is fine, it’s counterproductive when it gets personal.**
    HERE’S HOW..
    Arguing with someone who has ADHD is VERY TRICKY & FRUSTRATING. We’re so sensitive about ourselves & our ADHD that we take most things personally & end up lashing out with emotion or getting defensive. I’ve been here plenty of times.
    In your husband’s mind, every time you point something out that he messed up, it’s as if you’re criticizing him for having ADHD. It’s equivalent to someone teasing a paraplegic for not being able to walk & being in a wheelchair.
    HIS MIND:
    “I can’t control my ADHD, yet you’re still criticizing me for it? Doesn’t make sense. But okay, I’ll just defend my self-esteem & let it go in one ear & out the other and I’ll either tune you out completely or defend myself because you’re ‘attacking me'”

    Obviously, this is INCREDIBLY unfair to you because I’m sure you wouldn’t criticize your husband or do anything to hurt or bother him. You love him & you have built a life together. You only want to come together to deal with a few issues you have with his behavior, no problem with that. But in order to do that, you have to communicate to him that you have a problem with his behavior. And it wouldn’t hurt if he’d take on more of the responsibilities that you have. Only you can’t get this through to him because he immediately gets defensive. ***Because he sees you as his enemy (who’s there to put him down) & not his partner (who’s there to help him). All because he feels you took issue with his ADHD from the start (which is unfair), as opposed to his behavior (which is fair).***

    And from these seeds grows a parent-child-like relationship that is dictated by the child’s ADHD, which sets the parent up for resentment & burnout. Then both individuals will lose who they are because ADHD is controlling the relationship, AND the individuals IN the relationship.

    My suggestion would be,
    If you all can figure out a way to take a break from your daily lives & maybe get away for a while, you both could take some time to talk through the negative feelings & emotions that you both have developed, along with discussing his ADHD (from a more understanding perspective), come to a better place emotionally, & find yourselves again so you’ll be better equipped to take on the life that you’ve built together.

    I really hope that this helps,
    -Kendall Boults Jr.

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