I should know better than to try explaining to my mother

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults I should know better than to try explaining to my mother

This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  SquishySoba 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #107284

    Ranma
    Participant

    Well I did it again, I tried explaining an aspect of A.D.D. (specifically executive function disorder) and why I have difficulties in one area but not others.
    AAAAND, I was treated with her usual contempt, as always when I make the mistake of bringing up.
    I guess I just have to go back in the closet on this.
    I need to find an A.D.H.D. group in my area, this website is great and all but, I need to talk face to face with someone sometimes, that is going through this “gift” also.
    It’s just so frustrating to need to talk through a problem with someone and get nothing but attitude or worse.
    I don’t understand why it’s taboo with some people, it’s not a physical deformity so I can’t see it so it doesn’t exis, is what it seems.

  • #107292

    Inkpool
    Participant

    Hey Ranma,

    I would wager a guess that many people on this sight find relating ADHD symptoms to anyone without person context is an immeasurably frustrating experience. I personally think it is because those who have logic and reasoning skills not inhibited ADHD tendencies aren’t able to reconcile how something so involuntary, like controlling impulse cannot be easily fixed with the same logic they use to manage their day.

    Though I have no magical solution to your situation, I know what helped me in giving my parents a starting point in relating to why I have always been, “this way,” was having formal training in learning how to learn. I recognize I had an advantage in this, as I am a trained teacher with two teaching credentials; one of which is in special ed.

    So, not saying go out and spend thousands of dollars for a career change if you are not already in education, but maybe building some understanding of how learning works in any type of brain, may help you in getting to a point where explaining your experiences becomes a bit easier?

    In my child development classes as well as classes geared to teach the teacher how to deliver instruction, I recognized how much I have truly been struggling and it didn’t need to be like that. I of course was stubburn though and didn’t admit to myself until my mid twenties that I was not going to learn how to adult without help. But building a vocabulary allowed my inner dialogue with myself organize what it is that I was actually struggling with. I am not sure I would have gotten to this point had I not had resources about how the neuro-typical brain processes information to compare it to my own struggles with learning.

    Before I started to build that vocabulary, I had no better answer to questions involving, “Why can’t you do this? You are not stupid!” other than, “I don’t know!” Because I didn’t; and most importantly, I didn’t have any context for how a neuro-typical brain could so easily accomplish a task list. All I knew was that everyone seemed to manage their time and finish tasks so easy and that I was baffled and angry that I couldn’t.

    Developing an understanding of how the neuro-typical brain learns was just as crucial as understanding how my brain works when trying to give someone a starting place to relate to ADHD as well as encourage the slightest big of empathy. Developing an understanding of how the typical text-book perfect brain learns help me to recognize what it is that I have been trying to communicate to my parents baffled by my academic failure. I also started to understand and empathize more with my parents why they struggled in reasoning why I worked the way I did.

    I recognize that I am suggesting peeling away an an onion with infinite layers, but my own experience in having even the slightest understanding in the basic concepts of how the text-book perfect human brain learns and processes new concepts is very powerful when sharing ADHD experiences to those resistant in or unable to understand.

    Good luck and I hope you find the support you are looking for!

  • #107571

    I kinda get how you feel. :/ My mom knows and accepts that I have adhd, and says she has it herself, but trying to explain ED just makes her think I’m lazy. I try to explain the difference between being on stimulants and not being on them and she says “So basically it’s a motivation issue” as if I could motivate myself. She says “Well I feel good when I get things done” and I tell her that I don’t feel that very much and she acts like it’s a personality flaw.

    • #107630

      Ranma
      Participant

      Thing is, my mother has a psych degree, you’d think she would at least have a little understand ding and listen.
      She, like everyone else I know dumps their problems on me, but will not listen to mine.

  • #107629

    SquishySoba
    Participant

    Hello, Ranma. ヾ(^-^)ノ

    I’m sorry to hear that your mother hasn’t been accepting, and I can only imagine how frustrating and crushing that must be.

    However, please don’t let that discourage you too much. Regardless of her response, you’re on the right track. You’re taking the incentive and responsibility by seeking help, communicating your situation, and doing what you can to get through life.

    I have severe Inattentive-Type ADHD and a majority of my struggles, one way or another, can be linked back to that condition. One of the most significant things in improving my mental state was changing the environment I’m in on a daily bases. For me, this came in the form of attending a project-based experimental school where I’ve been able to work closely with a tight groups of my peers. Of course, this is probably not an option for you at this moment, but seeking people outside of your home that you would be able to relate to is definitely be a good place to start. In the US alone, of the children from 2-17, 9.2% of them were diagnosed with ADHD. This accounts for 6.8 million squirrelly people meandering around out there. So, even without attempting to find new people that you can relate too, I guarantee you that you already know several people that do.

    You may already be doing this but another thing has been listening to other people’s stories and their experiences with mental health. This may sound like a fairly obvious, but the biggest thing that came about to me from this was a new level of understanding of how messed up we all are on the inside. I’m not saying looking down on others or explicitly seeking out others’ weaknesses is a good idea, but it helped to level out my perception of myself and those around me. And it meant that they were more open to listen and provide feedback to me in return.

    I don’t know if this is much help -or even properly responds to your message- as it’s the first time for me to do something like this online, but I hope this helps. I hope that your situation improves, and that even that eventually your mother will listen to your views without reacting the way she has been.

    Oh one last thing… Regarding that notion that ADHD is a “defect”… it’s kinda a reason the human race is even where it is today. ADHD isn’t inherently a defect. It exists because it has benefits that come with it. Unfortunately, however, it was designed for time past and modern society still doesn’t know what to do with us. ┐( ̄ヘ ̄)┌ So call us lazy but… we also played our part to get humankind to where it is.

    http://pathwaystofamilywellness.org/Wellness-Lifestyle/hunters-and-farmers-the-origins-of-adhd.html

    Also… and I promise this is the last thing. This is a concept I came across by accident a couple of days ago that doesn’t seem to be too acknowledged by mainstream psychology is rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I won’t try explain it but it’s highly commorbid with ADHD, so chances are you might relate to it.

    I kinda went on a tangent, but again I hope this helps you feel even a bit better. d(>_< ) Best of luck!

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.